First (and ONLY) Date: Oliver Edition

I Heart Pete Holmes

Oh internet.  A comic I dearly heart has oft repeated a mantra by which he lives (I paraphrase): if something in life is going horribly wrong, and making life miserable just pretend your life is a TV show and think to yourself, this would make a really good episode.  (Pete's website, Pete's Podcast)

Whilst I was sitting at a bar attempting to enjoy my beer with a non-enjoyable date I thought about ol' Petey and this here lil' blog and that this date would make a great post.  So, internet, please enjoy this post, which I am using as therapy/debriefing, about a very absurdly stupid date.

Things which I, an internet dater, believe require disclosure prior to a first date:
1. One or more tween children (well, any children, really);
2. Divorce;
3. The fact that one actually lives and works 100 miles away from you, but sorta lives in the vicinity, sometimes; and,
4. The fact that one wears old-man cologne.

Things I did before this date:
1. Worried that Oliver wouldn't like me;
2. Tried on several outfits before finding the perfect combination of a. cute, b. casual and c. does not make me look super fat;
3. Last minute ran to the ATM after recalling that the date location accepted cash only; and,
4. Worried more that Oliver wouldn't like me.

More lists after the jump

Things I did once I saw Oliver walk into the Pub:
1. Looked up from my super serious game of Words with Friends due to intense old-man cologne smell;
2. Stopped worrying whether or not Oliver liked me;
3. Thought about Mr. Holmes' mantra (above); and,
4. Regretted using this perfect weeknight, first-date outfit on this dude.

Upside of bad internet dates for Lauren:
Local Wine Industry Booming

Things I did when I got home:
1. Disappointed roommates with news that Oliver was not The One;
2.  Poured a glass of wine (be prepared for a developing trend on this front);
3. Sat down and wrote this hilarious and charming post; and,
4. Thought that, maybe, internet dating isn't for me, and that only weird, old fathers who live in Western Mass and unappealing law students who live at home are interested in me.

But, have no fear my faithful readers (i.e., mom and three friends), I shall forge ahead into the morass of internet morons in hope of finding the diamond in the internet rough.  Well, actually, I'm not a huge fan of diamonds, so I'll be searching for the conflict free, cushion-cut blue sapphire of the internet rough.

If you are one of my friends (or one of my imaginary non-friend-or-relative blog readers) please leave me a comment and reassure me that one day I will have an internet date that is mildly attractive and appealing.